2021: A Retrospective
It’s my birthday eve in Capricorn Season and I’m turning 42.
I feel excited and melancholic, although I can’t place my finger on why. The Latin root of my name, De Sidere, means ‘of the stars’ or ‘awaiting what the stars will bring’.
ARRIVING IS MY WORD AND THEME FOR THIS COMING YEAR.
Here are some confessions:
I feel a bit as though I’ve lost my sense of self, and at the same time I feel a sense of relief and lightness of being. I think maybe I’ve just stopped striving.
I have deep gratitude for the little black dog named “Luna” who came into my life last year and is my shadow. We also call her “our lady of the long legs and lips”
I feel cantankerous, noticing more resentments rising to the surface. I don’t want to become bitter. Focusing again on self forgiveness.
I’ve heard variations of this going around, but I am tired of being so resilient. Or maybe I’m tired of continually facing events that require so much of it.
Even still I am in love with life and seeking magic everywhere.
I am enthralled with Star Trek Discovery
I desire a life and job where I support my family comfortably and am able to work seasonally so that I may hibernate for the winter.
I’m doing inner child work with a fantastic therapist, an elder black queen. We are exploring schemas or life traps and my maladaptive coping styles. I live for these kinds of frameworks. I just love talking about my feelings, can’t get enough.
Mostly, I’m just checking in as often as possible with my inner little one and validating that she is safe and I’ve got her. Together we are learning to regulate our nervous system.
In addition to the pandemic and chronic parenting stress, I decided to fall in love (likely trauma) with a severe addict. I am angry for the way he treated me and angry that I allowed it. I actively participated in a relationship that pretty rapidly eroded my mental health. I felt like I was ripping apart at the seams. I was just barely able to pull myself back, otherwise I might have let it consume me. I am stunned that I was so willing to be destroyed. It really scared me. I’m still scared. I will need to learn how to trust myself again.
I feel fragile these days. Exhausted and worn out, but still kicking. My nervous system is very strained.
I miss my soul mate friend with all my heart. I miss opportunities to see him at Groundswell. I miss gathering with radical queers.
It’s been a long time since I’ve had something to look forward to or be excited about. Also, my heart and mind and body crave stability and gentleness right now. I may need to rediscover and start a new relationship with excitement.
If you’re still reading then we likely know each other in real time or have a past life connection. In any case, I love you more than words can say.
